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How to Get Fired

Part 1: Advice You Can Live Without

By

Drunk Woman

Drinking too much and partying too hard can get you fired.

Peter Dazeley / Photographer's Choice / Getty Images

As About.com's Career Planning Guide I have the opportunity to visit many of my fellow career advice sites on the Web. Through my extensive virtual travels I have found that articles about succeeding on the job abound. But, what if you wanted to know how to get fired? Could you find an article that would tell you how to perform so poorly on the job that your employer, with a swish of his or her hand, would summarily dismiss you? I looked around and found nothing that fit the bill. So I decided to write such an article myself.

P.S. If you came here looking for advice on how to stay employed, just do the opposite of everything I tell you here.

  • Arrive late for work
    Being on time is for wimps. Drag yourself out of bed whenever you feel like it. Stop to run an errand on your way to the office.
  • Don't forget the coffee
    No not for your boss -- for yourself! You're already late so why not stop for a cup of coffee on the way to work? Don't forget to get a muffin or a roll too (crumbs on your tie look really good).
  • Eat at your desk
    I mean your coffee and roll, not your lunch silly. Why would you want to work through lunch anyway? And take your time — you're in no hurry to start working.
  • Take a long lunch
    An hour for lunch? Are they nuts? That can't possibly be enough time to get together with an old friend and run a few more errands.
  • Have a drink
    What's lunch without a couple of beers? It'll relax you. So what if you smell like a brewery?
  • Make personal phone calls
    If you can't make your phone calls from the office, when else will you find the time? Don't make those calls short and sweet -- chat away.
  • Speaking of chatting...
    Let's not forget about the good old Net. You can go into a chat room any time of day, so why waste your precious personal time.
  • Send lots of email
    Use those eight hours at work to take care of all that personal email. Oh and don't forget to use your work email address.
  • Download, download, download...
    Your connection is much faster at work than on your home pc. And besides, there are some things you wouldn't want your significant other to see.
  • Make the customers/clients really mad
    There are several ways to do this. If you deal with customers in person, ignore them while you talk to your co-workers. Don't have answers to their questions. If most of your contact is by phone, keep yours busy so clients can't get through. If they bother to leave a message, don't return their phone calls.
  • Don't ever go beyond your job description
    Even when a project is down to the wire and your help is desperately needed, just remember: "It's not your job."
  • Leave work early
    Who made that five o'clock rule anyway? If you leave 15 minutes early think of how much you can get done before dinner.
  • Party hardy
    Nights are made for partying. Don't worry — you can sleep late tomorrow. After all, you do plan to get to work late, don't you?

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Part 2: Helpful Resources

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